for stephenie meyer fans only…who bella should have chosen…not edward…not jacob…contains spoilers…

You may be asking yourself what a 32 year old man is doing reading teenage vampire romance novels.

I have no better excuse than to say that I picked up Twilight on a whim, just to see what all the hype was about, (well, and that I sometimes read girly books on purpose just because I like them).

It was right around the time when it went from “this is a very popular series” to, “everyone on earth is reading these books.”

The books are highly addictive, not unlike narcotics, and I couldn’t stop reading the damn things. I ripped through the first three in less than a week, and found myself exhibiting teenage girlish behavior while waiting for the final installment, Breaking Dawn, which I read in less than a day. And it’s not exactly short.

I am glad to be done with it, I feel like a junkie who has finally been set free.

That is, until the Twilight movie comes out, and the release of Midnight Sun. And then I guess there will be movies for the rest of the books. (How long, O Lord, how long?)

Anyway, the point of me writing this at all is to share my personal feelings about Bella’s romantic inclinations. If you haven’t read the books, you won’t get it, but if you have, I present to you my take on who Bella should have chosen:

Reasons Why Bella Should Have Picked Mike Newton

1. Mike Newton is not a vampire.
2. Mike Newton is not a werewolf.
3. Mike Newton comes from a nice family.
4. If she had picked Mike Newton she would have avoided that whole “almost dying because she is a human trying to carry a vampire’s baby to term” thing.
5. She and Mike would have eventually inherited the family business and done real well for themselves.
6. Charlie would have been WAY happier if Bella had ended up with a human.
7. She could have done it with Mike and not worried about whether or not it would kill her.
8. Because it would have been hella fun to watch Jessica sulk about it.
9. Because Edward is a pompous ass and Jacob is a whiny ass.
10. And did I mention that she could have avoided the whole vampire baby thing? Because that was truly horrific.

I’m just now getting around to realizing that you can find all the music videos that blew you away back in the day on youtube…

So, the entire world has gotten the twitter bug, and I gotta say, I don’t get it. It’s the manifestation of social media gone too far. Enough already, it’s time to throw on the brakes.

Status updates on myspace and facebook are no longer enough. Text messaging and blogs and cell phones and video blogging, and youtube and rss and pownce and stumble, not enough.

Now it’s all:

getting ready to pee

peeing

done peeing, walking to living room

might have a quick wank

done with the wank

sitting here

practicing my tap dancing

Seriously? I was slow to the game on cell phones. I was slow to the game on texting. But I usually catch up, embrace innovation.

Not this time, it’s too much, it’s gone too far. I won’t do it.

A while back, I was watching an episode-well, not watching in the traditional sense, it was on, muted in the background, but I was reminded of a pertinent fact relating to the show: those are some fine ass women. Damn.

And, this might not win me any popularity contests among my male peers, but I have to say, despite the fact that Eva Longoria gets most of the press, especially on the male oriented wank sites, I’d knock all of ‘em out the way to get to Teri Hatcher.

That is a fine woman, ya’ll. She tears me up. For real, I’m all watching tv, hand creepin’ toward my zipper before I even realize what’s going on.

She been fine for a long time too. Since way back in the day when she was on Lois and Clark. Or, even further back when she was making those soft-core porn, late night Showtime type movies.

I do wish she had bigger boobs though.

Sometimes when I am walking out of the back room at work I like to pretend that I’m an NBA player whose name has just been announced during starting lineups.

People think it’s weird when I run out the door giving low fives to my imaginary teammates. The imaginary chest bump with Steve Nash doesn’t help much either.

Also, I am much happier since they started making NBA players dress nice. The NBA dress code should be written into the Constitution.

Imagine a day where everyone in the world dresses like the characters from the movie Match Point.

And where everyone is that attractive.

I can see that day coming.

I believe.

Together, we can make it happen, one makeover at a time.

Maybe you went to a county fair, or maybe a friend forced you to go to a rodeo (maybe you’re friends with Jewel) some days are just more difficult than others.

Sometimes there are just too many ugly people with bad taste, and the weight of it all damn near overwhelms you.

On days like that, I try to remember a little something called “google image search.” I like to search Kim Kardashian, because she is very, very physically attractive, and looking at pictures of her makes me feel better.

Try it yourself, with one of your personal favorites. I’m betting you’ll feel better in a jiffy!